So, I am a Pagan spiritualist. Did I mention that already? Well, it's true. Mostly I work with rocks because my God is a God of infertility and I can't work with plants very well. But anyway, this came up at my therapy session and my therapist, who is an energy worker, said she wanted to try some energy work with me. And I consented.
I'm not saying I regret it, and I like her a lot as a therapist, but honestly pretty much everything she told me was stuff we'd talked about at my third session. Namely that I have been trying to transition into a different clothing style, but I trip up for... well, pretty silly reasons. So basically a lot of "pay more attention to your personal appearance" stuff which was actually kind of my idea. But, well, I'll take it as motivation to continue on this quest anyway.
I don't want to buy a bunch of clothes that may not fit me in a few months anyway (I still have around 50 pounds to lose and I don't know quite how T is going to change my body shape), so I went to Goodwill (which, in case you're wondering, actually runs the place where our local LGBT youth groups meet, so bonus points) and bought a few button-down shirts, some ties, and a tie bar (which I'd been looking for for a while). This is the sort of thing I like wearing but which I usually don't. So now I will be wearing that stuff more often.
It'll be easier in the summer, which is funny because I work at a summer camp. The reason it'll be easier is at this summer camp so many people are kind of scrubby all day and so in comparison I look very well put together. There were people who would sleep in their work uniforms just so they wouldn't have to spend the fifteen minutes changing in the morning. So there was everyone else, and then there was me, usually wearing clean clothes and on several days wearing nice clean clothes. Also hats, I was known for that. The transition will be easier with that in mind because I already have that sort of reputation, it actually went on my end of year evaluation last year that I was always dressed well. Which is funny to me, because that's the opposite of my reputation almost everywhere else.
It also meant ironing, which I haven't done in a while because you don't really need to iron T-shirts, but I do use a dryer rather than a line so ironing is necessary. I don't think my button-downs have ever looked as good as they do now.
I've been considering whether I want to get a new binder before summer. I don't think so... I think that I'll just use my present one for now. It's also new-ish, it's just small. I hope to fit in it in a few months, but right now I can't wear it that long before I worry, so I stick with a sports bra (I still pass in it for some reason) and a very loose, old binder that does bind my chest comfortably but is hard to keep in place because the fabric at the top end is disintegrating. I have a feeling I'll wind up buying one while I'm at camp and have the money. I have allotted about $500 of my salary to buying clothes and trans paraphernalia, the rest goes to transition.
I've been having crazy transition dreams again. They're less stressful than the last ones about injection anxiety, these ones are more about "what if" anxiety. What if it comes time for me to get T and for some reason I can't? What if I can't afford the bloodwork? What if I can't afford the T? What if the hospital gives me shit? I've been budgeting this transition fairly well for someone who is quite frankly kind of broke, and the hospital is explicitly friendly, but still. Last night I woke up sweaty from it. Yikes!
So that's about all. We'll see what trans related stuff I can pound out in the future.
