So, in the Pagan/Wiccan/Witch community we have this thing called "craft names" or "magic names." I don't use one, really, I just go by good old Jackson, but to a lot of people this is a really important issue. They'll go through a different name every month, thinking it is 100% the most "them" name they have ever seen, and then a few weeks later they realize it's just not "them" anymore.
It's the same issue with trans people. I see people go through name after name and really stress out about every little thing from what the cultural history of the name is to how creatively they can spell it, often winding up with something that rhymes with "Aidan." You know, like Brayden, Kaden, Shayden, Jayden, Treyden, etc.
(I know it's a trans male cliché but you absolutely know it to be true. It's a part of our culture we just have to deal with.)
Oh, believe me, I did the same thing. I was Jack, Jacques, Jacob, and even tried having a hyphenated first name before I stuck with Jackson. And when I did pick it, it was seriously as I was filling out the legal name change form. "Oh God, what do I put here. You know what? My parents call me 'Jackson.' Alright, going with it." That was three years ago and I haven't had any of the stress I had when I was still skipping from name to name.
Is it absolutely 100% positively "me" all the time? Does it raise my blood pressure out of excitement whenever I see it on a legal document or hear it spoken? Do I feel as though there is no other name that could possibly be any better than mine?
Absolutely not.
In fact, sometimes I get annoyed by my name. When I stuck that name on my name change form, I also changed my middle name to "Andrew," meaning it's "Andrew Jackson" backwards, and he is among my top ten least favorite American presidents.
In the long run, though, that's not the point.
The point is that we are talking about names, something most people don't get to choose anyway. You're not going to find something that 100% fits you 100% of the time because you are not a name, you are a person.
Find a name... and then chill out. If it takes you ten years, that's fine, but just remember that all of the doubts you have are probably going to be there all the time no matter what name you pick. In fact, there are even guys who take a bunch of names they like, put them in a hat, and pull one out.
And it'll grow on you. Seriously. The reason most people feel like their names are "them" is that names are a mundane thing that we learn from infancy. You just have to learn it when you're conscious enough to feel awkward about it, otherwise it's the same thing, and you'll totally be fine.
