There were a couple myths thrown around in this discussion I'd like to address, as well as a sort of etiquette warning.
- Dysphoria isn't what everyone seems to think it is.
- Dysphoria isn't a failing on the part of dysphoric people.
- It is not cool to mock dysphoria if you don't have it.
So what is dysphoria? Dysphoria is the opposite of euphoria. Euphoria is happiness and contendedness. Dysphoria includes sadness, irritability, anxiety, restlessness, and discomfort. Gender dysphoria is feeling any of these things in relation to your gender or the outward appearance of it, usually in the context of being mis-matched. So being uncomfortable with having breasts is gender dysphoria. Being comfortable with having breasts, but being uncomfortable with a lack of facial hair is also gender dysphoria.
The problem is that people seem to be thinking that they are not dysphoric solely based on the fact that they don't have a problem with their genitals. In fact, the first insultingly incorrect definition/scenario that was placed was that being gender dysphoric is about waking up and freaking out that you still have a vagina. Which is, of course, startlingly untrue. Not all dysphoric trans people care about their genitals. I'm dysphoric, and I don't! I like my pussy just fine where it is, I actually really like the structure and appearance of post-hormonal trans male vulva. I have no hangups about it.
I do have dysphoria, though. It comes and goes. Usually it's focused on my voice, my face, my breasts, and my fat patterns. Recently the most triggering type of dysphoria has been emotional... I've had a lot of heavy stuff going on which makes me fall into a corner and cry like a child. These are things many men cry over... right now I'm cuddling with a cat I've had since I was eight who is going to be put to sleep today. I know that when we go to the vet, my 56 year old father will also be bawling over it. The men in my family are pretty emotional, anyway. But it still triggers dysphoria for me because it makes me feel feminine, and looking into a mirror when my face is beet red makes me notice everything else, from the lack of facial hair to the voice to the lack of muscle to the love handles to the breasts. Everything, in fact, except genitals. Dysphoria isn't about genitals.
What I mean to say is that I'm not convinced that everybody who claims not to be dysphoric actually isn't. On a personal level, I used to be adamant that I was not dysphoric, that I was just becoming myself and it didn't have anything to do with me being disgusted with my body as it was. I was in an environment where people distracted me from it... but I still had it. Now that I'm alone a lot of the time, it's very severe sometimes.
Now, it's not a huge crime to think you aren't dysphoric when you technically are, and even a lot of people who are by definition dysphoric and know it hate that terminology with generally good reason. And honestly, since I'm not you, I can't judge if you really are dysphoric or not. The problem is that so many of you seem intent to turn your lack of dysphoria, whether real or imaginary, into a success story on your part and by extension a failure on our part.
It's not, though. People who are dysphoric, including those who are badly dysphoric, are not failing for being dysphoric. Dysphoria is not something you choose. It's not something you develop just to feel sorry for yourself. When trans people commit suicide, dysphoria is often involved. It's not silly. It's not trivial. It's not a choice. That's true whether or not you can relate to it.
And that's why it's not appropriate for non-dysphoric trans people to mock or complain about other peoples' dysphoria. When you get those angry transsexuals whining about "the transgender Kool-Aid," too often it's just a response to the fact that too many people were waving their alleged non-dysphoria in their faces and trivializing the immense amount of pain they went through. They often claim that not wanting genital surgery makes you strictly non-transsexual or invalid, and they're 100% wrong. But it's also 100% wrong to talk about how extreme you think other peoples' behavior is and imply that they should just, like, stop that. The trans guy who has to keep the lights off when he's in the shower may look extreme if you don't have a problem with your body, but for him it's a daily reality and a daily burden. "That's just not right," I see people writing. Or my recent favorite, "that's just not healthy." You're damn skippy it's not healthy! That's why it's called a disorder in medical literature, that's why he needs medical care to help him. I have asthma. That's also not healthy. What am I supposed to do about that, just tell myself to stop wheezing when I have an attack just because someone pointed out that it's not healthy?
Please think about these things.
Don't feel guilty or ashamed that you don't have dysphoria when other people do. That has nothing to do with it. It's great that you don't have dysphoria! It's so much healthier for you, and if you want to transition anyway, that's absolutely fine. Dysphoria doesn't make a trans person, it's not fun, and it's not necessarily an experience all trans people have. And if you want to meet other trans people who feel the same way, that is also your prerogative.
All I am asking is that you avoid bringing the rest of us up as if we're lunatic freaks or, even more importantly, as if we're not there. Because we are, and our dysphoria isn't helped by this attitude.
