I deleted somebody from one of my online social networks recently. I didn't want to delete this guy. Generally speaking I actually like him quite a bit. However, there is only so much cisplaining I am willing to let trigger me before you go in my block bin. Whatever the case, I would like to explain exactly what was so offputting, because it's damn relevant.
It's because one of the most obnoxious things to ever come out of a cis person's mouth is any statement beginning with this: "I know trans people don't want to hear it, but..." The last straw was this statement followed by a couple paragraphs explaining that FTMs are different from cis men and MTFs are different from cis women... putting us in four distinct gender categories.
So there are really two annoyances at play: First, actually having the gall to say something about trans people that you know is considered offensive by many of us ("I know you don't want to hear it, but...") and having that controversial opinion be that trans people and cis people are in separate gender categories. Although actually, I'm going to deal with them backwards.
So what's so bad about considering trans men and cis men, or trans women and cis women, to be two distinct genders?
This is, as far as I can tell, based on something about us that actually is true: Trans people are different from cis people. We are likely to express gender a little differently. We are likely to act differently. We do this because trans people and cis people are trained differently, we grow up in a different environment most of the time, and unlike most cis people we have to deal with constant doubt of our gender identity by other people. It's partially because of that doubt that many trans men learn to be men from other trans men rather than cis men, so we pass around some cultural quirks.
That said, I honestly don't really think it's a huge deal when somebody, say, prefers to date trans men over cis men, or vice versa. I think some people need to strongly consider why they feel that way, but there's nothing inherently wrong with it, and that's a subject for a different time maybe.
However, trans men and cis men are not two distinct genders. We are all men. Same goes for trans women... yes, trans women may act or relate to people differently from cis women, but they are no less women than cis women are. Rigidly sticking trans men in a different category than cis men, or trans women in a different category from cis women, is not only incorrect, it is offensive.
But what of those differences? If I can acknowledge that there are common (but not universal) behavioral, emotional, and cultural differences between trans people and cis people, why can I not just accept that I am a different gender than a cis man is, or whatever it is you are trying to get me to acknowledge?
Because the same thing can be said for every subculture. We all express gender differently both as individuals and as cultural groups.
Holiness Christian women and Feminist Pagan women express gender differently, and both express gender differently from Muslim women. Butches and femmes, whether male or female, also express their gender differently. White men express their gender differently from Asian men, Black men, Native American men, and other men of color. Goth men have different gender standards than preppy men. Race, ethnicity, subculture, income level, career, religion, sexual orientation, political beliefs, upbringing, and many other factors shape the way somebody expresses their gender.
But that doesn't put them in different gender categories. It just means they are men and women who express those two genders differently. But they are still men and women*.
You know what? I think that this sort of thing is, deep down, what most people think they mean when they make gender barriers between cis and trans people... because it's kind of obvious that we do express gender differently for the reasons I stated above. The problem is that those differences should not matter in the way people make them matter... which is the constant assertion that we must be placed in separate boxes. If you are going to place trans men in a different box than cis men, you may as well place Pagan men in a different box than Christian men, too. Which, when it comes to the quality of one's maleness, is absolutely ridiculous.
But you know, presenting this while knowing trans people in general don't like that distinction, well, that just takes the cake.
I don't really understand why people can say things like "I know [insert minority here] doesn't like to hear it, but..." and think that they are allies to that community. But I'm going to talk about it just because it bugged me just that much.
In the case above, it was like the pinnacle of cisplaining. "Cisplaining" is a way of describing a cisgender person dismissively telling us why an issue we find important either is false or really not as big a deal as we make it. It comes from "mansplaining," which is when men go to some convoluted length to explain to women why their issues aren't important. And cis people reading this, take note: If you know we are going to find something offensive, you know that it goes against the way we view ourselves, and you know the subject is something that people have constantly used to deny us our gender identities, then really, really consider why the fuck it is you think you should be saying it and no, having a trans friend or the fact that you like fucking us do not make it better. Something I've noticed, not just among cisgender people but among basically every oppressor party, is the idea that we as the majority have some special insight into what minority groups are doing or viewing wrong that they cannot understand. And then we treat these things like dark truths about the universe that people stubbornly refuse to hear rather than the largely-privilege-skewed opinions that they are.
And you know what? You're probably going to have opinions about us that we as a general rule don't like. But before you go on a crusade to tell us why we're so wrong about it, really consider why it is you feel that way, and more importantly, really understand why it is we feel that way.
* I am leaving out non-binary people because, since they usually do consider themselves a different category or a merger of categories, they aren't really relevant to what I'm saying here.
