I no longer talk about Transgender Day of Remembrance (TDOR) in my blog, except in passing. I do not "celebrate" it. I do not actively participate in it. I very nearly ignore its existence, a decision that I made sometime over a year ago. Similarly, this year somehow it morphed into "Transgender Awareness Week," which I am also forgoing. I do feel it's important for me to write this, and perhaps reference it each year or something, to explain why I display what probably looks like extreme apathy.
Here is the reason, in a nutshell: I have become grotesquely aware of how badly trans men have been appropriating this observance, both from the outside and, unfortunately, as a trans man who has recognized his prior bad behavior, and there has been a lot of it.
One of our major sins is consistently inflating the amount of risk the average trans man encounters. When I was actively involved in TDOR, I was definitely guilty of this, doing things like picking five men and five women from the master TDOR list to honor, and I see other trans men continue to do this to "equalize" the list. It greatly misrepresents the issue. Anti-transgender murders are significantly (understatement) weighted toward low-income transgender women of color, especially sex workers. The date is actually in remembrance of a specific trans woman of color who was murdered. If you strip this element away from the observance, you are appropriating it and not honoring it.
And you know what? As far as I've experienced, and I know others have made the same observation, trans men are really bad at observing TDOR. We don't often notice the intersectionality of trans status with gender, race, income, or sex worker status... we just boil everything down to "trans people" and assume we are at the same risk level of any other trans person because we can point to some high-profile hate incidents, or at least that we are at a high enough risk to call attention to ourselves. This is a lie we tell ourselves to facilitate our own victim mentality.
I am a trans man. Yes, I sometimes fear for my safety because of it. Yes, I have witnessed and experienced hate speech and bias incidents. I reject the absolutist comments by some trans people, usually women, that trans men never experience this-or-that type of discrimination*. And yes, trans men have the potential to be murdered for being trans men, it's happened before and will probably happen again.
But I have since recognized and more importantly chosen to acknowledge that Transgender Day of Remembrance is not about me. Trans men just don't have that high of a murder rate. I refuse to participate in observance of this day because I have yet to have the opportunity to be involved in an observance that wasn't run by trans men or cis people to the exclusion of the people that this issue actually affects on a daily basis, and I am no longer so arrogant that I believe that I am enlightened enough to honor them properly.
Furthermore, the increasing evolution of TDOR from a solemn day of remembrance to anything from a cis-people-oriented educational experience to a fucking dance party is driving me up the wall. And here's where we get to "Transgender Awareness Week," which is I think a way people are trying to expand TDOR to include issues other than just murder, which again usually includes things like cis-people-oriented educational experiences, parties, and drag shows.
You guys, this is like taking World AIDS Day and then extending it for a week to talk about crabs. TDOR is a very specific observance meant to call attention to a very specific and very damaging problem... and by deciding to cram everything trans into a week in November dilutes that very specific and very important problem, which is the murder of trans people and the abysmal way it is handled by the press and the law.
And if all this isn't taken into account, I do not feel it is appropriate for me to engage in it.
* I mention this because there are trans men who will point to the times that these things do happen to justify their involvement.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Friday, August 24, 2012
Break Free From Name Dogma
My name was once my nickname... way back when I was still a girl, my parents decided that "Jackson" was a cute nickname for "Jackie."
I hated it. Loathed it. I would not let them call me it.
Then, twenty years later, it was my legal name.
It wasn't like I didn't try finding a name that "sang" to me. Like most trans men, I "tried on" several names. I started with "Galvin" back when I wanted a hot, unique name. Then I set toward trying to find one for which "Jack" would not be a terrible nickname, because that was what people were predominantly calling me. I didn't feel like "John" was a good idea, I tried "Jacques" and "Jacob" and even "Jacob-Jacques" when I couldn't pick between those two.
When I finally decided to legally change my name, it was in a panic. I was going to be graduating in a couple of weeks and I didn't want them to call my female name. So I printed out the documents, thought about it for less than a minute, put "Jackson" because I figured my parents wouldn't have a problem calling me that, and it's been my name ever since.
Honestly? Best decision I ever made as far as my name goes.
I tell you this because it's like every ten minutes a trans man writes a post on a forum freaking out because he can't find a name that "suits him." It's like there's an expectation that any name of yours is going to have to be something that makes your heart skip a beat every time you hear it.
Guys, that almost never happens. And you don't need it to. Your name should be something you're comfortable with, ideally it should be something you don't hate but there are lots of people who hate their names, if you're worried about passing it should be something that projects "male," but it's not really worth the stress.
You know what my main bit of advice here, is? Having your name be "legal" could very easily solve your problem. I am not the only one who settled down with the name issue only because my name was legal and I couldn't change it anymore without throwing a bunch of money away. Why do you think most people don't change their names, even when they don't think they're awesome? Because we don't need names that are stunning, we need names that make us content.
I hated it. Loathed it. I would not let them call me it.
Then, twenty years later, it was my legal name.
It wasn't like I didn't try finding a name that "sang" to me. Like most trans men, I "tried on" several names. I started with "Galvin" back when I wanted a hot, unique name. Then I set toward trying to find one for which "Jack" would not be a terrible nickname, because that was what people were predominantly calling me. I didn't feel like "John" was a good idea, I tried "Jacques" and "Jacob" and even "Jacob-Jacques" when I couldn't pick between those two.
When I finally decided to legally change my name, it was in a panic. I was going to be graduating in a couple of weeks and I didn't want them to call my female name. So I printed out the documents, thought about it for less than a minute, put "Jackson" because I figured my parents wouldn't have a problem calling me that, and it's been my name ever since.
Honestly? Best decision I ever made as far as my name goes.
I tell you this because it's like every ten minutes a trans man writes a post on a forum freaking out because he can't find a name that "suits him." It's like there's an expectation that any name of yours is going to have to be something that makes your heart skip a beat every time you hear it.
Guys, that almost never happens. And you don't need it to. Your name should be something you're comfortable with, ideally it should be something you don't hate but there are lots of people who hate their names, if you're worried about passing it should be something that projects "male," but it's not really worth the stress.
You know what my main bit of advice here, is? Having your name be "legal" could very easily solve your problem. I am not the only one who settled down with the name issue only because my name was legal and I couldn't change it anymore without throwing a bunch of money away. Why do you think most people don't change their names, even when they don't think they're awesome? Because we don't need names that are stunning, we need names that make us content.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Ten percent of my blood is hanging out in a cooler with some lady's plasma somewhere.
Well, maybe not anymore.
So I have a health update for you. I'm going on seven months on testosterone, and my last blood panel was a little (tugs collar) unsatisfactory. Before I started my hemoglobin was already getting a little high for a female (15.4), gradually it went up to about 17.2 which is not great. So my doctor told me to start donating blood every six weeks.
Due to the whole biological sex technicality I am really not considered a large HIV risk, my tattoo is several years old, and my blood is perfectly good, so I went to a blood center to donate. In the chit-chat during the interview I casually mentioned that my doctor suggested that I donate blood due to my hemoglobin. Which caused the interviewer to go get somebody else to come in and interrogate me over why my hemoglobin was high. I said it was injectable testosterone, which is not something that is on the list of inappropriate medication. They manufactured all of this into "we can't take your blood because it's a therapeutic draw and we need a prescription."
I asked my doctor for a prescription, she told me they were "giving me the runaround" and that there is no reason it should have to be considered a therapeutic draw. She said to go somewhere else and just not say anything, because it's not pertinent to donating anyway. I go somewhere else, and mysteriously the computer doesn't like it when they try entering my personal information into it, but they send me to their own interview room anyway. I'm in there and she's just about to take my blood pressure and pulse... these run a little high, so I was worried it would be too high and I'd have to drive home yet again. As I'm trying to calm myself down a bit a guy walks in and asks if I have a twin sister named "Jacqueline" who lives at the same address at me.
Fucking hell, I forgot I'd tried to donate through this place before. So that's why the computer wouldn't let them enter me.
But I'm not a liar, so I tell him that's my former name. My heart starts thudding and now I'm really worried, both because I think they're going to go "transsexual! No!" and because I knew my blood pressure had to be ridiculous. He walks away and the person taking my vitals says she doesn't blame me for changing my name (bless her heart, she was a calming individual). I wound up with a blood pressure of like 179/98 and a pulse near 200 but not quite there yet. So I just barely squeaked past. Also my hemoglobin was at 18.5.
(Man, I'd be so freaked out about that if I didn't know it was because of the shock of hearing my old name brought up by somebody I don't know!)
Finally I'm in the chair, everybody has calmed down and it's clear they aren't having any little round-table moments about whether or not my blood was legit like at the other place. I sat next to this woman who was donating plasma and platelets and aside from the usual discomfort associated with needles (which, let's face it, I'm used to by now) everything went fine. Until it was done. Then I misinterpreted the instructions and wound up spurting blood everywhere, resulting in a mad rush for disinfectant and bandages. But I learned my lesson and will be back in eight weeks.
So I have a health update for you. I'm going on seven months on testosterone, and my last blood panel was a little (tugs collar) unsatisfactory. Before I started my hemoglobin was already getting a little high for a female (15.4), gradually it went up to about 17.2 which is not great. So my doctor told me to start donating blood every six weeks.
Due to the whole biological sex technicality I am really not considered a large HIV risk, my tattoo is several years old, and my blood is perfectly good, so I went to a blood center to donate. In the chit-chat during the interview I casually mentioned that my doctor suggested that I donate blood due to my hemoglobin. Which caused the interviewer to go get somebody else to come in and interrogate me over why my hemoglobin was high. I said it was injectable testosterone, which is not something that is on the list of inappropriate medication. They manufactured all of this into "we can't take your blood because it's a therapeutic draw and we need a prescription."
I asked my doctor for a prescription, she told me they were "giving me the runaround" and that there is no reason it should have to be considered a therapeutic draw. She said to go somewhere else and just not say anything, because it's not pertinent to donating anyway. I go somewhere else, and mysteriously the computer doesn't like it when they try entering my personal information into it, but they send me to their own interview room anyway. I'm in there and she's just about to take my blood pressure and pulse... these run a little high, so I was worried it would be too high and I'd have to drive home yet again. As I'm trying to calm myself down a bit a guy walks in and asks if I have a twin sister named "Jacqueline" who lives at the same address at me.
Fucking hell, I forgot I'd tried to donate through this place before. So that's why the computer wouldn't let them enter me.
But I'm not a liar, so I tell him that's my former name. My heart starts thudding and now I'm really worried, both because I think they're going to go "transsexual! No!" and because I knew my blood pressure had to be ridiculous. He walks away and the person taking my vitals says she doesn't blame me for changing my name (bless her heart, she was a calming individual). I wound up with a blood pressure of like 179/98 and a pulse near 200 but not quite there yet. So I just barely squeaked past. Also my hemoglobin was at 18.5.
(Man, I'd be so freaked out about that if I didn't know it was because of the shock of hearing my old name brought up by somebody I don't know!)
Finally I'm in the chair, everybody has calmed down and it's clear they aren't having any little round-table moments about whether or not my blood was legit like at the other place. I sat next to this woman who was donating plasma and platelets and aside from the usual discomfort associated with needles (which, let's face it, I'm used to by now) everything went fine. Until it was done. Then I misinterpreted the instructions and wound up spurting blood everywhere, resulting in a mad rush for disinfectant and bandages. But I learned my lesson and will be back in eight weeks.
Laci Green and Trans YouTube Bullying
So let's just say, I'm disappointed right now.
Before I talk about the issue at hand, let me make a few things clear. There is a reason neither my YouTube videos nor my blog allow comments. It isn't because I'm afraid of feedback; I get feeback through a lot of other means (either through crossposts on trans-friendly websites, through trackbacks, through friends who aren't afraid to criticize, etc.) and that's because I've been bullied on the Internet both by transphobes for being trans and by trans people for not being the kind of trans person they want me to be. I have tried multiple times to allow them, but in the long run it's nothing more than a trigger for me.
This is not uncommon as far as trans people go, and in many ways I get off extremely light. People get death threats, rude questions that are actually more transphobic statements disguised as questions than actual questions, misgendered, and in many cases have had pictures of themselves and screenshots of their videos posted on blogs and other websites to be mocked, "dissected," and outed. I have seen people who are so afraid of this that they don't even go to trans-friendly websites anymore because they're afraid these people are going to find them.
How much is this talked about in the wider community? The answer is not very often. Cyber-bullying efforts are often degendered and desexualized to protect them from right-wing homo- and transphobes who only think bullying is wrong as long as it's done to somebody in their target demographic. But the dumbly obvious fact is, trans-people get bullied a lot on YouTube.
So Laci Green... she is ducking out of the YouTube limelight over threats and harassment based on the fact that she said the word "tranny" as well as several other things she has said about religion and other hot-button subjects. Now, I could talk for a long time about the type of people the hecklers probably are... there's a subset of the social justice community in which members are either totally unaware of the way they use privilege within that context, or they have labeled themselves as being so unprivileged that they give themselves permission to be as rude as they can possibly be to anybody who commits even the slightest infraction against what they believe. In a trans context they tend to be newbies or people who are stuck in a rut... can't pass, can't get hormones yet... so they're in that "radical sexy" period. Yes, I went through that period too, and it didn't occur to me that I was acting ridiculous until long after. But honestly that's all I want to say about that subject for now. "Harassing Laci Green is bad." All reasonable people believe this.
Here is where I am disappointed. It's not only with the fact that there are people doing this, but the fact that the ensuing shitstorm has basically proven a fact about cissexism: People care more when things like this happen to cis people than when they happen to trans people. Lots of trans people get harassed off of YouTube. It's not a story until it happens to a cis person, especially if it can be in some way blamed on trans people.
This isn't a cut on John Green (the guy who brought this up and is the reason it's famous right now), who I feel has tackled transgender issues pretty well in the past (one of the first videos I saw of his was ranting about how peoples' criticisms of Chris Crocker were unfairly based in his gender presentation rather than his attitude), but I have a feeling if this had been another case of a trans person harassed off of YouTube--which, again, happens fairly frequently--it just wouldn't have blown up the way it has.
And regardless of the wrongness of the actions taken against Laci, it's still cis privilege in action.
Before I talk about the issue at hand, let me make a few things clear. There is a reason neither my YouTube videos nor my blog allow comments. It isn't because I'm afraid of feedback; I get feeback through a lot of other means (either through crossposts on trans-friendly websites, through trackbacks, through friends who aren't afraid to criticize, etc.) and that's because I've been bullied on the Internet both by transphobes for being trans and by trans people for not being the kind of trans person they want me to be. I have tried multiple times to allow them, but in the long run it's nothing more than a trigger for me.
This is not uncommon as far as trans people go, and in many ways I get off extremely light. People get death threats, rude questions that are actually more transphobic statements disguised as questions than actual questions, misgendered, and in many cases have had pictures of themselves and screenshots of their videos posted on blogs and other websites to be mocked, "dissected," and outed. I have seen people who are so afraid of this that they don't even go to trans-friendly websites anymore because they're afraid these people are going to find them.
How much is this talked about in the wider community? The answer is not very often. Cyber-bullying efforts are often degendered and desexualized to protect them from right-wing homo- and transphobes who only think bullying is wrong as long as it's done to somebody in their target demographic. But the dumbly obvious fact is, trans-people get bullied a lot on YouTube.
So Laci Green... she is ducking out of the YouTube limelight over threats and harassment based on the fact that she said the word "tranny" as well as several other things she has said about religion and other hot-button subjects. Now, I could talk for a long time about the type of people the hecklers probably are... there's a subset of the social justice community in which members are either totally unaware of the way they use privilege within that context, or they have labeled themselves as being so unprivileged that they give themselves permission to be as rude as they can possibly be to anybody who commits even the slightest infraction against what they believe. In a trans context they tend to be newbies or people who are stuck in a rut... can't pass, can't get hormones yet... so they're in that "radical sexy" period. Yes, I went through that period too, and it didn't occur to me that I was acting ridiculous until long after. But honestly that's all I want to say about that subject for now. "Harassing Laci Green is bad." All reasonable people believe this.
Here is where I am disappointed. It's not only with the fact that there are people doing this, but the fact that the ensuing shitstorm has basically proven a fact about cissexism: People care more when things like this happen to cis people than when they happen to trans people. Lots of trans people get harassed off of YouTube. It's not a story until it happens to a cis person, especially if it can be in some way blamed on trans people.
This isn't a cut on John Green (the guy who brought this up and is the reason it's famous right now), who I feel has tackled transgender issues pretty well in the past (one of the first videos I saw of his was ranting about how peoples' criticisms of Chris Crocker were unfairly based in his gender presentation rather than his attitude), but I have a feeling if this had been another case of a trans person harassed off of YouTube--which, again, happens fairly frequently--it just wouldn't have blown up the way it has.
And regardless of the wrongness of the actions taken against Laci, it's still cis privilege in action.
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