"I know trans people don't want to hear it, but..."

I deleted somebody from one of my online social networks recently.  I didn't want to delete this guy.  Generally speaking I actually like him quite a bit.  However, there is only so much cisplaining I am willing to let trigger me before you go in my block bin.  Whatever the case, I would like to explain exactly what was so offputting, because it's damn relevant.

It's because one of the most obnoxious things to ever come out of a cis person's mouth is any statement beginning with this:  "I know trans people don't want to hear it, but..."  The last straw was this statement followed by a couple paragraphs explaining that FTMs are different from cis men and MTFs are different from cis women... putting us in four distinct gender categories.

So there are really two annoyances at play:  First, actually having the gall to say something about trans people that you know is considered offensive by many of us ("I know you don't want to hear it, but...") and having that controversial opinion be that trans people and cis people are in separate gender categories.  Although actually, I'm going to deal with them backwards.

So what's so bad about considering trans men and cis men, or trans women and cis women, to be two distinct genders?

This is, as far as I can tell, based on something about us that actually is true:  Trans people are different from cis people.  We are likely to express gender a little differently.  We are likely to act differently.  We do this because trans people and cis people are trained differently, we grow up in a different environment most of the time, and unlike most cis people we have to deal with constant doubt of our gender identity by other people.  It's partially because of that doubt that many trans men learn to be men from other trans men rather than cis men, so we pass around some cultural quirks.

That said, I honestly don't really think it's a huge deal when somebody, say, prefers to date trans men over cis men, or vice versa.  I think some people need to strongly consider why they feel that way, but there's nothing inherently wrong with it, and that's a subject for a different time maybe.

However, trans men and cis men are not two distinct genders.  We are all men.  Same goes for trans women... yes, trans women may act or relate to people differently from cis women, but they are no less women than cis women are.  Rigidly sticking trans men in a different category than cis men, or trans women in a different category from cis women, is not only incorrect, it is offensive.

But what of those differences?  If I can acknowledge that there are common (but not universal) behavioral, emotional, and cultural differences between trans people and cis people, why can I not just accept that I am a different gender than a cis man is, or whatever it is you are trying to get me to acknowledge?

Because the same thing can be said for every subculture.  We all express gender differently both as individuals and as cultural groups.

Holiness Christian women and Feminist Pagan women express gender differently, and both express gender differently from Muslim women.  Butches and femmes, whether male or female, also express their gender differently.  White men express their gender differently from Asian men, Black men, Native American men, and other men of color.  Goth men have different gender standards than preppy men.  Race, ethnicity, subculture, income level, career, religion, sexual orientation, political beliefs, upbringing, and many other factors shape the way somebody expresses their gender.

But that doesn't put them in different gender categories.  It just means they are men and women who express those two genders differently.  But they are still men and women*.

You know what?  I think that this sort of thing is, deep down, what most people think they mean when they make gender barriers between cis and trans people... because it's kind of obvious that we do express gender differently for the reasons I stated above.  The problem is that those differences should not matter in the way people make them matter... which is the constant assertion that we must be placed in separate boxes.  If you are going to place trans men in a different box than cis men, you may as well place Pagan men in a different box than Christian men, too.  Which, when it comes to the quality of one's maleness, is absolutely ridiculous.

But you know, presenting this while knowing trans people in general don't like that distinction, well, that just takes the cake.

I don't really understand why people can say things like "I know [insert minority here] doesn't like to hear it, but..." and think that they are allies to that community.  But I'm going to talk about it just because it bugged me just that much.

In the case above, it was like the pinnacle of cisplaining.  "Cisplaining" is a way of describing a cisgender person dismissively telling us why an issue we find important either is false or really not as big a deal as we make it.  It comes from "mansplaining," which is when men go to some convoluted length to explain to women why their issues aren't important.  And cis people reading this, take note: If you know we are going to find something offensive, you know that it goes against the way we view ourselves, and you know the subject is something that people have constantly used to deny us our gender identities, then really, really consider why the fuck it is you think you should be saying it and no, having a trans friend or the fact that you like fucking us do not make it better.  Something I've noticed, not just among cisgender people but among basically every oppressor party, is the idea that we as the majority have some special insight into what minority groups are doing or viewing wrong that they cannot understand.  And then we treat these things like dark truths about the universe that people stubbornly refuse to hear rather than the largely-privilege-skewed opinions that they are.

And you know what?  You're probably going to have opinions about us that we as a general rule don't like.  But before you go on a crusade to tell us why we're so wrong about it, really consider why it is you feel that way, and more importantly, really understand why it is we feel that way.



* I am leaving out non-binary people because, since they usually do consider themselves a different category or a merger of categories, they aren't really relevant to what I'm saying here.

All I'm Saying About Transgender Day of Remembrance

I no longer talk about Transgender Day of Remembrance (TDOR) in my blog, except in passing.  I do not "celebrate" it.  I do not actively participate in it.  I very nearly ignore its existence, a decision that I made sometime over a year ago.  Similarly, this year somehow it morphed into "Transgender Awareness Week," which I am also forgoing.  I do feel it's important for me to write this, and perhaps reference it each year or something, to explain why I display what probably looks like extreme apathy.

Here is the reason, in a nutshell:  I have become grotesquely aware of how badly trans men have been appropriating this observance, both from the outside and, unfortunately, as a trans man who has recognized his prior bad behavior, and there has been a lot of it.

One of our major sins is consistently inflating the amount of risk the average trans man encounters.  When I was actively involved in TDOR, I was definitely guilty of this, doing things like picking five men and five women from the master TDOR list to honor, and I see other trans men continue to do this to "equalize" the list.  It greatly misrepresents the issue.  Anti-transgender murders are significantly (understatement) weighted toward low-income transgender women of color, especially sex workers.  The date is actually in remembrance of a specific trans woman of color who was murdered.  If you strip this element away from the observance, you are appropriating it and not honoring it.

And you know what?  As far as I've experienced, and I know others have made the same observation, trans men are really bad at observing TDOR.  We don't often notice the intersectionality of trans status with gender, race, income, or sex worker status... we just boil everything down to "trans people" and assume we are at the same risk level of any other trans person because we can point to some high-profile hate incidents, or at least that we are at a high enough risk to call attention to ourselves.  This is a lie we tell ourselves to facilitate our own victim mentality.

I am a trans man.  Yes, I sometimes fear for my safety because of it.  Yes, I have witnessed and experienced hate speech and bias incidents.  I reject the absolutist comments by some trans people, usually women, that trans men never experience this-or-that type of discrimination*.  And yes, trans men have the potential to be murdered for being trans men, it's happened before and will probably happen again.

But I have since recognized and more importantly chosen to acknowledge that Transgender Day of Remembrance is not about me.  Trans men just don't have that high of a murder rate.  I refuse to participate in observance of this day because I have yet to have the opportunity to be involved in an observance that wasn't run by trans men or cis people to the exclusion of the people that this issue actually affects on a daily basis, and I am no longer so arrogant that I believe that I am enlightened enough to honor them properly.

Furthermore, the increasing evolution of TDOR from a solemn day of remembrance to anything from a cis-people-oriented educational experience to a fucking dance party is driving me up the wall.  And here's where we get to "Transgender Awareness Week," which is I think a way people are trying to expand TDOR to include issues other than just murder, which again usually includes things like cis-people-oriented educational experiences, parties, and drag shows.

You guys, this is like taking World AIDS Day and then extending it for a week to talk about crabs.  TDOR is a very specific observance meant to call attention to a very specific and very damaging problem... and by deciding to cram everything trans into a week in November dilutes that very specific and very important problem, which is the murder of trans people and the abysmal way it is handled by the press and the law.

And if all this isn't taken into account, I do not feel it is appropriate for me to engage in it.


* I mention this because there are trans men who will point to the times that these things do happen to justify their involvement.

Break Free From Name Dogma

My name was once my nickname... way back when I was still a girl, my parents decided that "Jackson" was a cute nickname for "Jackie."

I hated it.  Loathed it.  I would not let them call me it.

Then, twenty years later, it was my legal name.

It wasn't like I didn't try finding a name that "sang" to me.  Like most trans men, I "tried on" several names.  I started with "Galvin" back when I wanted a hot, unique name.  Then I set toward trying to find one for which "Jack" would not be a terrible nickname, because that was what people were predominantly calling me.  I didn't feel like "John" was a good idea, I tried "Jacques" and "Jacob" and even "Jacob-Jacques" when I couldn't pick between those two.

When I finally decided to legally change my name, it was in a panic.  I was going to be graduating in a couple of weeks and I didn't want them to call my female name.  So I printed out the documents, thought about it for less than a minute, put "Jackson" because I figured my parents wouldn't have a problem calling me that, and it's been my name ever since.

Honestly?  Best decision I ever made as far as my name goes.

I tell you this because it's like every ten minutes a trans man writes a post on a forum freaking out because he can't find a name that "suits him."  It's like there's an expectation that any name of yours is going to have to be something that makes your heart skip a beat every time you hear it.

Guys, that almost never happens.  And you don't need it to.  Your name should be something you're comfortable with, ideally it should be something you don't hate but there are lots of people who hate their names, if you're worried about passing it should be something that projects "male," but it's not really worth the stress.

You know what my main bit of advice here, is?  Having your name be "legal" could very easily solve your problem.  I am not the only one who settled down with the name issue only because my name was legal and I couldn't change it anymore without throwing a bunch of money away.  Why do you think most people don't change their names, even when they don't think they're awesome?  Because we don't need names that are stunning, we need names that make us content.

Ten percent of my blood is hanging out in a cooler with some lady's plasma somewhere.

Well, maybe not anymore.

So I have a health update for you.  I'm going on seven months on testosterone, and my last blood panel was a little (tugs collar) unsatisfactory.  Before I started my hemoglobin was already getting a little high for a female (15.4), gradually it went up to about 17.2 which is not great.  So my doctor told me to start donating blood every six weeks.

Due to the whole biological sex technicality I am really not considered a large HIV risk, my tattoo is several years old, and my blood is perfectly good, so I went to a blood center to donate.  In the chit-chat during the interview I casually mentioned that my doctor suggested that I donate blood due to my hemoglobin.  Which caused the interviewer to go get somebody else to come in and interrogate me over why my hemoglobin was high.  I said it was injectable testosterone, which is not something that is on the list of inappropriate medication.  They manufactured all of this into "we can't take your blood because it's a therapeutic draw and we need a prescription."

I asked my doctor for a prescription, she told me they were "giving me the runaround" and that there is no reason it should have to be considered a therapeutic draw.  She said to go somewhere else and just not say anything, because it's not pertinent to donating anyway.  I go somewhere else, and mysteriously the computer doesn't like it when they try entering my personal information into it, but they send me to their own interview room anyway.  I'm in there and she's just about to take my blood pressure and pulse... these run a little high, so I was worried it would be too high and I'd have to drive home yet again.  As I'm trying to calm myself down a bit a guy walks in and asks if I have a twin sister named "Jacqueline" who lives at the same address at me.

Fucking hell, I forgot I'd tried to donate through this place before.  So that's why the computer wouldn't let them enter me.

But I'm not a liar, so I tell him that's my former name.  My heart starts thudding and now I'm really worried, both because I think they're going to go "transsexual!  No!" and because I knew my blood pressure had to be ridiculous.  He walks away and the person taking my vitals says she doesn't blame me for changing my name (bless her heart, she was a calming individual).  I wound up with a blood pressure of like 179/98 and a pulse near 200 but not quite there yet.  So I just barely squeaked past.  Also my hemoglobin was at 18.5.

(Man, I'd be so freaked out about that if I didn't know it was because of the shock of hearing my old name brought up by somebody I don't know!)

Finally I'm in the chair, everybody has calmed down and it's clear they aren't having any little round-table moments about whether or not my blood was legit like at the other place.  I sat next to this woman who was donating plasma and platelets and aside from the usual discomfort associated with needles (which, let's face it, I'm used to by now) everything went fine.  Until it was done.  Then I misinterpreted the instructions and wound up spurting blood everywhere, resulting in a mad rush for disinfectant and bandages.  But I learned my lesson and will be back in eight weeks.