This is actually going to address two topics at once. Why? Because I'm a multitasker and because sometimes being put through awkward life experiences give me inspiration. Today's topic is gay guys. Two kinds of gay guys, actually. The first are gay guys who seem unable to keep their mouths shut about how unattractive they consider me because I'm a transman. The second are gay guys who seem to wind up with major identity crises because they do consider me attractive and never, ever thought they would feel that way about a transman.
First, a story. I am, thank Gods, not on the market right now because I am expecting my physical transition to begin soon and I feel with nearly superstitious fervor that this is something I need to go through by myself as it is a major rite of passage into manhood. But if I were on the market, or simply stating how I felt about somebody, there are several things I consider unattractive. Male bodybuilders. People who weigh over fifty pounds more than me. People more than four years younger or five years older than me. Really skinny people. Republicans. I don't care about what genitalia one possesses or one's gender identity, most of the time, but there are plenty of people there who I simply consider unattractive. In fact, I only consider maybe half of the people I meet attractive, and of those I am only attracted to maybe ten percent of them. So I'm not particularly bothered by the fact that there are gay guys out there who need their dates to have dicks. You're no shallower than I am.
But every time you go out of your way to inform me that you don't want me because you are gay, I consider laying out a frank list of all the reasons I consider you unfuckable. Not because you aren't attracted to me, but because I am sick to death of the stunning level of ignorance involved for you to actually say something like this.
And you know, it isn't even the dick part. I like dick, too. Dick is great. But I literally never in my life have ever asked a gay man his opinion on this matter. I've never asked a gay guy if he was into transguys. I've never even asked a gay guy out. Maybe it's low self image, maybe it's just that I tend not to be attracted to gay guys to begin with, but every time a gay guy says this to me it is an unsolicited statement about my attractiveness.
How would you like it if you were striking up casual conversation with somebody and the first thing to pop out of their mouths, no matter what you said to them, was "I'm not into [something you are] because [mostly irrelevant fact about yourself]." Really cuts into your self-esteem doesn't it? How about having to hear that ten, fifteen times? How about every time you meet someone new?
Yeah, if some transguy is hitting on you and you want him to stop, tell him to stop. That's your right for any unwanted advance. But otherwise, for Christ's sake, just keep your opinions about us to yourself.
But now that I've gotten that off my chest, there's another level to this ignorance, and that's the fact that too many people are justifying their lack of attraction to transmen based on the fact that many of us do not have penises by citing the singular fact that they are gay or, if you want to really be a bastard, "not into girls." And again, it's not because I expect or even want gay guys to want me. It's because when you say that, you are denying me my gender identity as well as the sexual orientations of the many gay guys out there who are open to transmen. It's a whole new level of stupid to expect a gay guy to identify as something other than gay just because he's into a different kind of guy than you are.
Which brings me to the other camp of gay guy. Not gay guys who know they're open to transguys, but gay guys who don't think they would be into transguys until they meet a transguy that they wind up crushing on for some reason. I have apparently caused this to happen at least three times.
I'm not tooting my own horn. It's actually kind of annoying. Not because it happens, but because it seems to cause people to have awkwardly public identity crises.
"Oh my God, I think I have a crush on... Jack. What the hell is wrong with me, Jack doesn't have a penis. You're gay, God damnit, gay guys like penis. Go away, thoughts in my brain, you're freaking me out... what does it mean?! What does it mean?!" Then a little while passes and they decide they aren't alien freaks for being attracted to someone, but it just opens up more questions, like "What does this make me?! Am I gay?! Am I bi?!"
And as much as I want your own transition from viewing yourself as someone who loves dick to viewing yourself as someone who loves men to be as smooth and uncomplicated as possible, and believe me it's flattering to know I somehow have a stone's chance with members of a group of people famous for not liking vaginas, you can't expect me not to be at least a bit perturbed at the fact that you are having a crisis wondering if you're still gay because you happen to be attracted to a man.
Think about it like that, and maybe it won't be so confusing. Those of you who like us like us because we're guys... you know it and we know it. Being gay isn't about liking dicks, if it were gay guys would all be running for pre-op trans women. They aren't. Well, okay, some might, but that's a different story for another time.
Until that time, stop worrying.
Happy trails,
-- Jack
