I have financial worries, too, but right now I have enough support where I shouldn't worry too much. Plus I have a job interview on Monday, and if they've hired my cousin, they should hire me. My main reason for stress there is that I don't want them to fire me for being trans... not just because of the getting-fired-for-being-trans part, but because this is one of my favorite stores and I don't want to feel obligated to boycott them for firing me for a stupid reason. But anyway, although finances are stressful, they aren't the stressful part of this.
The nightmares, though, are.
Yup, nightmares. I've been having testosterone-related nightmares. They aren't "should I or shouldn't I" nightmares, I already know I should, the appearance-and-health related stuff is a different issue which I'll go over later sometime... these are all nightmares which appear to be related to uncertainty of whether or not I'm going to be able to pull this off.
Last night's was harsh. I'm sitting at my kitchen table and I have my vial of testosterone, my syringe, my alcohol wipes, my needles, they're all spread out. I put the first needle in and draw the testosterone out. As I'm sitting there with the larger-gauged needle on there I notice that the smaller-gauged needle, the one you use to inject, is missing. So I have to get up and look all over for this damned needle that I can't find. I wonder if I shouldn't just inject with the larger gauge, after all when I have blood drawn I always ask for a larger gauge to avoid having to sit there for a really long time, so how hard can it be? It never got to the injection, instead I wind up in this surreal nightmare of people I know telling me terrible things. Not loved ones, just acquaintances and people I don't like. That's about when I woke up.
The night before's was a suspense dream more than anything. Again, I'm sitting there with the needle, being stressed out at the idea of stabbing myself with it and hitting a nerve or vein (I'm sure a lot of people are worried about that). I'm all alone, sitting there with my pants down. I did actually manage to stab myself with it, although I woke up before the rest. Is that even a nightmare? I woke up with the impression that it was, but in retrospect, it really wasn't. More of a just a flat out dream.
So, meh.
